The following is an excerpt from the "sometime-in-2015-release" of my upcoming book LAUGHING TO DEATH: SURVIVING LIFE AND STUPID PUNS, by Steve Ludwig...

"Some Girls Just Don't Get It,"

By Steve Ludwig

I went to Montclair State College (now University) after graduating from North Bergen High School in 1972. My first two years of classes at Montclair were at night, so that I could work full-time during the day to help pay my tuition. Bless my dad and mom (rest her soul); they did the best they could on a plumber's salary to help me pay my way. But it was my tuition, and I certainly needed to do my part.

So my Uncle John (rest his soul, too) got me a job working in the mail room at the company he worked for, Medical Economics (a subsidiary of Litton Publications).

M.E. published medical magazines and books, most notably the Physicians' Desk Reference (PDR). My job was to pack these books and magazines up, put postage on 'em, and bag them for pick-up each day by 4 PM by the mailman, Conrad (a really cool guy with a handlebar mustache).

My mail station was in a section of a huge warehouse-type room where everyone could see each other working.

The women who stuffed the envelopes (which I also posted and mailed) with customers' bills and junk were situated to my left. 

The print shop guys, Harold and Bob, were pretty much in front of my station, with their printing press, tons of ink bottles, and even more tons of paper.

Harold and Bob were good guys, hard-working, and about ten years older than I was. Harold looked like a blond Paul McCartney, circa 1965. Bob was a chain-smoking gym rat; he was single, and he liked to party.

Oh yeah, and they were both playful pranksters!

And I, being the new kid in town (at this time I was four months into the job), was the recipient of one of their most successful (and embarrassing, at least to me) pranks...

Twice per year, the company newsletter was delivered to each employee, along with his or her paycheck. 

Now the company had two branches, one in Oradell, NJ and the other in Westwood, NJ, about ten minutes from each other. I worked in the Westwood branch. 

Each newsletter, which was printed on our own presses by Harold and Bob, featured pictures of new employees. My silly face was one of those pictures in this particular issue.  

Two days before payday, Harold walked toward my mail table with a sneak preview.

"Hot off the press," he announced as he handed me a copy. "Pretty good picture of you."

I checked out my mugshot; I looked totally dopey.

"Yeah, right, I look great," was my sarcastic response.

Now I hadn't even started dating my future wife, Sue, yet, and I was "unattached," as they say. 

Going to classes at night at Montclair didn't afford me the same opportunities for meeting girls my age that I would have had if I'd been going days. Most of my classmates were older than I, and they had kids and laundry and dishes in the sink waiting for them after class.

I knew this newsletter picture wasn't going to help me win the hearts of any of the company "chicks." But Harold "McCartney" gave me his seal of approval, so I figured maybe I was just being too critical of myself.

He went back to work on the printing press, when Bob mentioned to Harold, loud enough for me to hear, "Hey, did ya see this new girl in Oradell?"

Harold looked at the newsletter's new employees pictures.

"Wow, cute!"

At the word "cute," I stopped stuffing PDR's and looked up -- JUST AS THEY HAD PLANNED IT TO HAPPEN.

In his best faux-spontaneous voice, Harold said, "Steve, check this out!"

I walked to the print shop, already planning my marriage to this new girl.

Harold held out the newsletter, and there was a really pretty blonde, wearing glasses, and her first name was Manon. I had never seen the name "Manon" before; I wondered how it was pronounced.

"How do you say her name - MAY-non, may-NON, Mannon...?"

"I don't know," Harold said, "but you'd better call her and see if she wants to have lunch or something. The rest of the company's gonna get this newsletter in a couple days, and by then it's every man for himself."

Competition! Harold was right. But I was basically a shy guy (still pretty much am), and I definitely was not the  kind of guy who just called girls out of nowhere.

"Nah, she's probably going out with somebody," I rationalized. "She's pretty nice-lookin', ya know."

"Suit yourself..." and the two printers resumed printing.

I walked back to my stupid mail, and went back to work, not really concentrating anymore on what I was doing.

Around 3:00 in the afternoon, Bob walked over to me.

In his best buddy-to-buddy tone, he said, "You really should give her a call. What have you got to lose?"

I just shrugged my shoulders, finished out my day's work, and went to my night classes without having called MAY-non, may-NON, Mannon...however the hell you said her name!

Next day at work, the nine o'clock bell rang for us to begin. I was always getting to work just on time, and this day was no exception. This was during my "drinking days," and many times I shuffled into the mail room with my head swollen and pounding from too much hops and barley the night before.

I nodded "Good morning" to the women who were already busy stuffing their envelopes (they loved me and thought I was a sweet, respectful young man), and nodded to Harold and Bob. 

Harold put his thumb and pinkie to his ear, as if to say, "Call her today!"

Now Harold was the calmer, more grounded of the two printers. He was married with a kid and another on the way. Bob was the wildman; it seems he was with a different girl every few weeks, and he would've called MAY-non / may-NON /  Mannon

before the ink on the newsletter was even dry.

But I felt I could trust Harold's opinion. OK, if he said to call, maybe it was time. And anyway, I figured it would make me appear cooler to these ten-year-older-than-me guys, and they'd accept me into their realm more easily.

I quickly packed a few PDR's to make it look like I'd been working, left them on the mail table, and walked to the print shop.

"I don't know how to pronounce her name, and what if she's got a boyfriend?" Part of me still was looking for a way to get out of it.

Bob piped up (right according to his and Harold's "script"): "I'll call Barbara in Oradell and ask her, if it'd make you feel better." I think Bob may have dated Barbara in the past, but I couldn't be sure. Odds are, he did.

Bob sounded like he was getting annoyed with me, and I wanted to be friends with these guys.

"OK, call Barbara. If everything's OK with everything, I'll call her."

Bob went back into the print office and, as I know now, pretended to call Barbara.

I stood with Harold and waited, Harold paternally staying by my side.

Bob hung up the phone and came out.

"Great news! She's not seeing anybody! You pronounce her name 'Mennoon'; it's some kind of European name."

European! Am I good enough for a European girl??

"Newsletter goes out tomorrow," Harold reminded me. 

I looked at the two of them. Something in my eyes prompted Harold to say, "You can use our phone."

I walked into their small office. In my mind I quietly practiced my calmest voice. Hi, may I speak with Mennoon please?

I picked up the phone. This could be the start of a great relationship. I was nervous as hell, but who knows?

The Oradell operator picked up. You were only supposed to make work-related calls using the company phone, so I kept it as generic as possible. 

"M.E. / Litton, Oradell," the operator said.

"Hi, may I speak with Mennoon?" Straight and to the point.

"Who, sir?"

"Mennoon."

"Mennoon?"

I gave the operator Manon's last name.

"Oh, MANON!" It seems Barbara, if she would have actually been on the phone, gave Bob the wrong pronunciation. Phonetically, it was MANNIN, with a short a.

"Hold on, please." The operator connected me to my new steady girlfriend's department.

"Hello?" A female voice was on the other end.

Gulp!

"May I speak with Manon?" I looked out to Harold and Bob for encouragement. They both nodded their heads; they were with me. They liked me; they were my buddies, I could tell.

"Hold on, please." I held on. I gave both my friends a thumbs up. 

"Hello, who's calling please?" I wondered if this was Manon herself! She had a nice voice. I would definitely like going out with her.

I said something to the effect of, "Uh, this is Steve Ludwig from Westwood."

"Who?" 

I repeated it.

"Hold on, please." I held on again.

A very few seconds later the same voice got on the phone: "Manon's not in yet. May I take a message?"

"Sure, please tell her Steve Ludwig from Westwood called."

"OK, thank you."

I hung up.

"What'd she say?" either Harold or Bob asked.

"She wasn't there, but they're gonna have her call me back later."

"Perfect!" Bob said.

All morning long I waited for the call back...Nothin'.

I ate my lunch, always listening for my phone to ring with Manon's return call. I even turned my radio down a little, just in case it was too loud and I'd miss the phone ringing.

At about 1:30 in the afternoon, I started to wonder if the girl whom I spoke to on the phone had forgotten to give Manon the message.

"Think I should call again?" I asked Harold as I walked up to him; Bob wasn't around.

"Definitely."

"Hello, may I speak with Manon?"

We went through the whole "Who's calling, blah, blah, blah, hold on please" ritual again.

Someone in Oradell finally got back on the phone. "Manon's not here right now. May I take a message?"

I felt really dumb, but I managed, "Please tell her Steve Ludwig from Westwood called."

I hung up the phone. Harold, who was leaning in the doorway to his office, listening, said, "Oh shit, that's right! They take a late lunch in Oradell. She's probably out to lunch. Bob took a late lunch to meet Barbara. Shit, that's right! How could I be so stupid?"

Well, that did make me feel a little better. 

About thirty minutes later, right on cue, Bob returned from "lunch."

"Did you talk to Manon?" he asked me first thing.

"No, she was out to lunch the same time you were out to lunch with Barbara." I was such a hopeless sucker.

"Well, they're all back now," Bob said. "Give her a call."

I did.

Manon couldn't come to the phone, I was told.

"Last chance tomorrow. The newsletter comes out, and EVERY guy in the company will be calling her." Harold added fuel to the fire.

"OK, first thing in the morning," I said. I had till about 11:00 AM the next day; that's when the paychecks, AND the newsletters, would be given out.

I was all excited driving to work the next morning. Finally, I would speak with Manon. 

The 9:00 o'clock work bell rang. I decided to wait till 9:10; don't wanna seem too anxious, right?

9:10. Here goes...

"Good morning. M.E. / Litton, Oradell."

"Good morning." I was so confident. "May I speak with Manon, please?"

"Who's calling?"

She should know by now, but I told her again.

"Please hold."

A voice, whom I'd heard before, answered...angrily.

"Who ARE you?" she nastily wanted to know.

I was sure once I explained that she'd calm down and laugh.

"I'm Steve Ludwig from the Westwood mail room. When you see the newsletter in a couple hours you'll see my picture. I saw your picture in the New Employees section, too, and I wondered if you'd like to have lunch some day to talk about our new jobs."

I looked over at Bob and Harold. They were stifling their laughter; they were so happy for me.

"Why the HELL would my picture be in the newsletter? I've been working here for THREE YEARS! Why the HELL would I go out to lunch with you? I'm a married woman! And I would NEVER go out with a guy that worked in the mail room!! Don't call again!"

And with that she slammed down the phone.

I was totally confused; I'm not too quick on the uptake. I remember one of my first thoughts was they'll have to reprint all the newsletters because they were wrong about her being a new employee.

Then I looked at Harold and Bob's eyes. They had silly grins on their faces. Then I really looked at them...I had been had. They got me, and they got me good.

"Here's the newsletter you'll get with your paycheck," Harold said as he handed it to me. There was no picture of Manon in it. What they showed me a few days before was a bogus, dummy newsletter that they had concocted using Manon's new employee picture from three years ago. The real newsletter just had me and a few other dopes.

Bob hadn't been talking to Barbara on the phone; he hadn't gone to lunch with Barbara. That was just to make it seem more real.

Their perfect prank had worked perfectly on me, their perfect idiot. 

Being this is a family blog, I'll spare you the expletives I called them; I will, however, share with you that "sons of bitches" was the nicest thing I called them.

I'll share something else with you. As I was cursing them out in all shades of blue, the three of us were laughing our asses off!

I figured if they went to all this trouble to "get" me, if they took the time to plan it all out, then they must like me.

And I was right. There was never, ever a time in the next three years I worked for M.E. that Harold and Bob didn't have my back. We bowled together, went out drinking together; Harold and his wife even put me on their Christmas card list!

I had passed Harold and Bob's initiation into the "Guy" fraternity of Medical Economics.

Shortly after Manon and I "broke up," I started dating the greatest woman on earth.

Sue and I dated for five years, and then got married in 1980; we've been married ever since.

Oh, and I have something to say to Manon's husband: 

    "Your wife has a STUPID NAME!!!" 

IF YOU ENJOYED READING MY BLOG, WOULD YOU KINDLY CONSIDER BUYING MY FIRST BOOK? IT'S CALLED SEE YOU IN CCU: A LIGHTHEARTED TALE OF MY OPEN-HEART SURGERY. IT'S ONLY $7.99 IF YOU BUY IT DIRECTLY FROM ME ON MY WEBSITE ;

ccubook.com. IT'S ALSO AVAILABLE AT THE OTHER SITES (barnesandnoble.com. amazon.com), BUT NOT FOR $7.99. IT'S ALSO AVAILABLE AS AN eBook.

And hey, hey, my brother Tom's blog is up and running. It's cool.  You'll find it at secondgrademinds.wordpress.com.

As always, thanks for all your wonderful support!

    -Steve

IN THE AUDIENCE OF

AMERICA'S GOT TALENT

(Part Two)

By Steve Ludwig

(Continued from my blog of July 5, 2012)

So we were let into the NJPAC auditorium maybe ten of us or so at a time. Everything looked really cool when they opened the doors for us to enter; right ahead of us was the stage, looking just as it does on TV. There were three empty judges' chairs, and the lights were dimmed. Sue, Jeff, Tommy and I were able to get seventh-row seats on, just as we had hoped, the right side. The right side is where Howard Stern sat. You can see from the picture above that I took, we had pretty decent seats. 

You'll also notice from the picture that the BMX bike ramps were already set up. The bikers were to be the sixth act tonight, but because the show was going live now (because the quarterfinals were beginning on this night), the stage crew wouldn't have time during the two or three minutes during commercials to take the ramps down. So this segment would be taped beforehand, then inserted into the show at the proper time. This meant that the three judges, Howard, Sharon, and Howie, along with host Nick Cannon, would have to come out and pretend as if they had been judging the first five acts already.

Things were getting more and more exciting by the minute. It was like we were in on little secrets that the home viewing audience didn't know. A little behind and to my left was the teleprompter that Nick Cannon read off of. Each contestant's intro rolled past the screen; I guess they were checking spelling and things before the broadcast began.

Nick's prompt for Li'l Starr

We were told this by Joey, the warm-up guy. It was his job to get all of us in the audience revved up, psyched about being a part of the show. Well, he didn't need much help with that; it seemed everyone was ready and raring to go. Really, everyone seemed to be in such a good mood; as people were looking for seats when we first entered, no one pushed, no one argued about this seat or that seat. If someone was saving a seat for a friend, that was OK; we'd all get in.

So Joey began by laying down the ground rules for us: no recording, no taking pictures, and if you like an act, cheer about it. Let the home viewing audience hear it!

It was a predominantly pro-Howard Stern crowd. Even outside on the ticket line, NJPAC workers would walk up and down the lines asking, "You guys ready for Howard Stern?!" 

Joey, the cool warm-up guy

And Joey would use the crowd's affection for Howard to rile us into a fever pitch. 

"Baba-booey!!!" he would yell into his microphone. ("Baba-booey" is the nickname of Gary Dell'Abate, producer of the Howard Stern Sirius/XM radio show).

"Baba-booey!!!" the crowd would return.

However, not everyone was there for Stern. My friend Jeff was a fan of America's Got Talent; he never listened to Howard's show, and he didn't know who any of the zany "wack-packers" were.

Joey explained to us the most important thing to remember when the show comes back from and goes into commercials. Fifteen seconds before the show returns from a commercial, Joey would roll his arms wildly; that was our cue to stand up and applaud and cheer wildly. This way, when the TV audience saw the fade-in from commercial, we'd all be having such a fantastic time. And it really wasn't a put-on; the audience was having a super time. We just needed a little choreographing to project that to the home audience!

Here's a YouTube video I made of some of the pre-show goings-on (It's called "America's Got Talent Pre-Show, July 2, 2012, Newark, NJ"). It'll give you a nice idea of what things were like before the show went on the air that evening:

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JWuTg8b2EFM&feature=g-all-u

Joey the warm-up guy did have a very tough job, and he did it extremely well. He was always "up" and he made sure we in the audience were having a good time. Every so often he'd toss out America's Got Talent T-shirts to the crowd.

The live portion of the show was to begin at 8:30 PM, with a thirty-minute recap that would review to the home audience how the contestants got to where they were in the competition. The actual competition for this evening's first twelve acts would begin at 9:00 PM.

At around 7:40 PM, Joey told us that the BMXers would be out in a few minutes, and their segment would be taped. It was time to bring out the judges. But because when this segment would be shown within the live show, the judges would already be seated as if they had judged the first five competitors. So their intro wasn't by Nick Cannon; Joey brought them on. They didn't come out from center stage as they did at the 9:00 hour, they walked out together from the side of the stage and walked directly to their judges' seats. But it was still exciting, because the audience was seeing them for the first time that night (except those of us lucky enough to have seen them about ninety minutes before!).

So the three of them walked out slowly together, almost as if an audience wasn't even there. But as they were walking, Joey gave them a neat intro:

"Ladies and gentlemen, Howie Mandell!! Yells and cheers for Howie, as he smiled and blew a kiss to the crowd.

"The beautiful Sharon Osbourne!!" More cheers and cries of Ozzie-like "Sharon!" came from the audience. She gave a sweet smile.

"And Howard Stern!!" The sound was deafening! By far, the loudest ovation was for Howard Stern. And of course, Howard played it up for all it was worth. He stopped dead in his tracks, raised both his arms in a "My people!" gesture, and gave a big smile and wave.

Howie Mandell helped Sharon down the couple of steps to the judges' table, then made sure Howard saw the steps and got down them safely before he took his own seat.

Once the judges were seated, Joey introduced Nick Cannon: "And our host, Mr. Nick Cannon!!"

Another big round of applause as Nick gave a quick wave and found his spot on stage for the introduction of the BMX bikers. It seemed to me that during the commercials and the pre-show, Nick seemed to be a bit nervous, always double-checking his lines, tugging at his tie, things like that. But it was understandable; he was the glue that held the show together. Its success was clearly riding on his shoulders. However, once the cameras were rolling, he was the consummate professional.

So he introduced the bikers, they did their thing, the judges judged, and then Nick said into the camera, "And now here's a singer, etc., etc....Nikki Jensen!"

"OK, and cut," the director said from the right of the stage, seated in front of the audience.

And that was it for the taped segment. Howard, Howie, and Sharon quietly got up, gave a really quick wave to the crowd, and walked out the same way they came in.

"Awright, awright, great job!" Joey told us, then said something to the effect of, "OK, sit back, relax, we have about an hour before the show comes back inside (that would be at 9:00PM). PLEASE turn off all your recording devices. We don't want it to happen, but the security told me they're gonna haul your ass right outta here if anybody's recording anything. OK? Let's not have that happen, like that guy right over there."

Sure enough, someone was still recording things, despite Joey's pleas. He didn't get thrown out, but the guy was roundly booed, and he immediately shut off his iPhone and put it away. Nobody wanted him to ruin the good vibrations we were all feeling.

Party music was piped in; people stood up and stretched. Some danced to the music, some went to the bathroom or refreshment stands. Practically everyone was happy.

Every ten minutes or so, Joey would ask us how we were doing, are we having a good time? And we'd answer him honestly: "Yeah!!"

It was really interesting ("amazing" wouldn't be a stretch) how hard and incredibly efficiently the stage crew worked. Just watching them dismantle the ramps from the BMX act and prepare the stage for the actual start of the show was entertaining in itself. 

At about 8:25, Joey told us that the 8:30-9:00 segment of the program would begin in five minutes, but that Nick would be doing a remote until 9:00 from outside the NJPAC, so we could still relax. They showed what the TV audience saw on the screen on the stage, so those of us inside caught the thirty-minute recap, too.

At about 8:40, workers started passing out about fifty signs to the audience. Signs? Well, if you watch the show, you know how members of the audience hold up signs of their favorite acts? The audience doesn't make those; they're provided by the America's Got Talent art department! Yeah, really. Each competitor is represented by an equal number of pre-made signs that are handed out to the audience! 

As luck would have it, I was given a sign. Yeah!  Mine was for the Scott Brothers. Most people held up their signs each time an act came onstage, regardless of who their sign was for. Me? Uh-uh. No way. I'm dorky enough, but at least I know when to and when not to hold up my sign, lemme tell ya!

So the whole giving-out-the-sign thing surprised me; then another thing kinda surprised me. A staff member was walking up and down the aisles with an empty cup asking gum-chewers to please get rid of their gum! We'd be on-camera, and it was unsightly to the home audience to see people chomping away on gum. I decided to risk getting detention; I wasn't giving up my beloved Dentyne Ice, no way! I just stopped chewing when the gum cup person came by my row, just as my students do to me in my eighth-grade classroom!

Joey got back on the mike: "OK, we're about ten minutes till we bring the show in here. Are you ready??!!"

We were ready, my good man, Joseph! Sue, Tommy, Jeff, and I had been all set since 1:30 in the afternoon, when we first took our place on line! A couple rows ahead of us sat another friend of ours, Tommy Li, who had come separately with his buddy, Jim. And a row or so away from us was also Patty, the woman I had met earlier in the day while on line. All of us would exchange glances every once in a while, giving each other a "This is cool!" look.

If you watch the show (or even if you don't, you can still imagine), you know how slick and smooth things seem to go. 

It's what goes on during the commercials that's pretty cool. 

As the show was getting ready to go into its first commercial, Joey (off-camera, to the right of the stage on the floor area) gave us the "stand-up-and-cheer" signal; and like the good audience members we were, we did!

While in commercial, make-up people would tend to each of the judges as they sat in their chairs; others would bring out fresh drinks of Snapple. The stage crew would feverishly set up the stage for the next act. Nick Cannon would usually go off stage during the commercials, and come back out and find his "mark" with about thirty seconds left before going back on air.

When the show resumed, the stage crew would still be setting up. That's why you rarely (if ever) see the stage in the frame as Nick comes back from commercial. And you know how they do a little forty-five second background segment on the next competitor before they do their live act? The crew is still putting the final touches on the scenery while that pre-taped segment is being shown. Pretty neat, huh?

Also during commercials, people in the audience would invariably yell out one of the judges' names. Usually it was Howard. He would always acknowledge the crowd; he seems to genuinely love his fans. 

Once during a break, Joey said, "Let's hear it for Howie Mandell!" The audience would cheer wildly. Howie would swing around in his chair and wave and smile. 

Joey said, "You know, I've been a comedian for thirty years, and I have to tell you guys Howie Mandell is one of the nicest guys in the business. He's always helping struggling comics like myself, and he's never too busy for you." That got a huge ovation from the audience, and Howie walked down to Joey and fist-bumped him.

As each commercial would be drawing to a close, the director would announce for all to hear, "OK, forty-five seconds to back on air...thirty seconds...fifteen seconds..."

"OK, guys, here we go!" Joey would yell, and we'd stand and cheer.

A six-year-old dancer named Li'l Starr was scheduled to perform after the commercial. Joey told us something that I was maybe a little surprised about: "OK, guys, about halfway through Li'l Starr's dance routine, we want everybody to start clapping in rhythm to the music."

Hmmm, I thought, that's almost like coaching to help determine an outcome. I mean, mightn't a few TV audience members be swayed by the audience's enthusiasm? Hey, this little kid is pretty good, the audience is really helping her along. I didn't clap. I chewed my gum and didn't hold up my Scott Brothers sign yet, either!

Nick would come back from commercial standing in different locations in the auditorium. He introduced one act right in front of our section. Follow the arrows in the picture, and maybe you can spot Sue and me. I have on the white shirt with the black stripe, and Sue is directly to the right of me:

It would be hard to pick one incident that was my favorite. Sue and Tommy fist-bumping Howard was definitely one of them. The whole experience was so exciting. But a sort of "non-show" thing that was part of the evening happened during one of the commercial breaks...

The show took place in Newark, NJ, and earlier during the outdoor interview segment before the show began, Newark's mayor, Cory Booker, met with the media; he was unable to stay for the show, however.

So during this particular break, Joey was talking to the audience: "We'd like to thank Newark mayor Cory Booker for stopping by before." At the sound of the mayor's name, a very nice, respectful round of applause came from the crowd.

Joey went on. "Also, unable to attend, but sending his best wishes is New Jersey governor Chris--" Before Joey even finished his sentence, practically the entire audience gave a huge "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

Joey tried a different tact: "Now, now, come on, let's put politics aside for this evening."

More boos, even louder than the first ones, only now they were joined by people standing and giving the "thumbs down" signal. 

I like to think I booed the loudest, but I am quite happy to report that the New Jersey governor was booed more loudly by people other than I.

Howard Stern hasn't always had kind things to say about the governor on his radio show. When he heard all the boos, Howard swiveled his chair around to face the audience. He had a big smile on his face, and he gave a "thumbs up" sign. I still don't know if Howard was giving a thumbs up to us for booing our governor, or if he was trying to make us change our tune and cheer the governor. 

Whatever his intent, at Howard's thumbs up, the booing became the loudest of the evening. 

"Forty-five seconds to back on air..." The director brought us back to the business at hand.

If you've watched AGT, you've noticed the judges talking among themselves about an act they had just seen. This talking is done during a commercial break. Every so often, Joey would ask the audience to remain quiet for maybe sixty seconds because they were going to tape the judges conferring, and the director didn't want them drowned out by the audience chatter.

Coming back from one of the breaks, Nick Cannon did his intro of the next act from the back of the auditorium standing in the aisle, with his back to the stage. Before that segment began, while still in commercial, Joey told the audience, "OK, when we get back from commercial this time, no standing; just applaud from your seats. And everyone please look straight ahead. Please don't anyone look back at Nick as he's talking into the camera. We want it to appear that you're all anxiously awaiting for the next act."

After all, it is show business, right? Some of the stuff we see on TV is just for show. (I'm sure that's why I'm not a fan of reality TV. If there's a TV camera in front of you, how natural or real is the person apt to act?)

Some of Howard Stern's "wack pack" (the wacky people who call into his radio show) were in the audience. During one of the commercials, Joey (himself a self-professed Howard Stern fanatic) would introduce them to the crowd: Maryann from Brooklyn. High-Pitch Eric, BoBo, Medicated Pete...).

May I mention something about the dynamics among Howard, Sharon, and Howie? If the commercial breaks were any indication, I noticed absolutely no professional jealousy whatsoever at the attention that Howard Stern got as opposed to Howie and Sharon. I had read reports that Howie and Howard do not get along because of Howard the "newcomer" kind of taking over the show from Sharon and Howie, both of whom have been on AGT for years. But I saw Howie laughing at whatever with Howard on more than a few occasions during the breaks, and Howie had the biggest smile on his face whenever the crowd would go crazy for Howard. And on one occasion, I saw Sharon rubbing Howard's back during one of the breaks. Howard had his arm around Sharon's shoulder as they talked during another commercial.

Perhaps they're just hiding well any dislike they have for each other while in public; but I certainly saw nothing but displays of affection among the three of them.

Almost as soon as the day began, the live show drew to a close.

Nine and a half hours really did whiz by. 

I rolled up my Scott Brothers poster (yes, I held it up when they were introduced) to keep as a souvenir and to share a picture of it with you guys reading this blog.

We exited the NJPAC building, walking towards the parking lot. TV cameras were interviewing audience members.

Soon I heard someone calling me. "Excuse me, sir, were you given that poster inside? We need to have it back." She had to be kidding.

Someone I didn't know came to my defense: "What if he made it himself?"

We Stern fans have to stick together, whether we know each other or not.

"Yeah, what if I made it myself?"

"Did you?" the girl who had to be more than half my age asked.

"No, but what if I did?" I smiled and laughed. She laughed, too, and I handed back the poster, still not sure why they wanted it back. At least she didn't ask me to spit out my gum.

As we continued our walk to the car, we once again came across Maryann from Brooklyn. Earlier in the day, she had graciously posed for pictures with Tommy and me. Tommy is a mentally-challenged adult, and Maryann really showed him attention during the picture-taking. Tommy's the kind of guy whom, if you show him kindness (as Maryann did), he really latches on to you. Maryann was carrying a microphone and speaking into the Howard TV cameras. She was doing a post-AGT report for a later Howard TV broadcast.

We gave a final wave as we walked by her. 

"Hey, Tommy!" Good Ol' Maryann remembered him. "Come here." 

She brought him in front of the TV camera.

"How'd you like the show, Tommy?"

"Where's Howard?" was Tommy's reply.

"Here's not here yet. How did you like the show?"

"Good."

She gave Tommy a final hug (he had hugged her maybe three times earlier in the day), and said goodbye.

"Hey, wasn't she nice," Sue said.

"Yeah, she really is sweet," I agreed.

Suddenly Maryann was fast-walking towards us.

"Wait!" she called.

She asked us to sign a release in case they decided to use Tommy's interview on Howard TV!

Sue signed for Tommy, gave the TV crew other pertinent information, told Maryann what a good sport and sweetheart she was, and kissed her on the cheek.

Who knows? Maybe we'll be seeing Tommy on Howard TV in the future. If he is on the show, I'll be sure to let you know!

At the risk of sounding cliched, that really was the perfect end to an absolutely perfect day...

IF YOU ENJOYED READING THIS OR ANY OTHER OF MY BLOGS, WELL, HECK, WOULD YOU BE SO KIND AS TO CONSIDER BUYING A BOOK I WROTE? IT'S CALLED SEE YOU IN CCU: A LIGHTHEARTED TALE OF MY OPEN-HEART SURGERY. IT'S A MOSTLY HUMOROUS LOOK AT MY REAL-LIFE QUINTUPLE OPEN-HEART BYPASS SURGERY. YOU'LL FIND ALL THE ORDERING INFO (AS WELL AS REVIEWS OF THE BOOK) ON MY WEBSITE:  www.ccubook.com.

And I have a radio show called STEVE LUDWIG'S CLASSIC POP CULTURE. Want to give a listen? Just visit www.PlanetLudwig.com. Thanks!

As always, everyone, I thank all of you so much for all your support!   ~Steve Ludwig

THE GREAT RINGO STARR AT 72

By Steve Ludwig

"Ringo is Ringo, that's all there is to it. And he's every bloody bit as warm, unassuming, funny, and kind as he seems. He is quite simply the heart of the Beatles."       -John Lennon

"Ringo's just a lad. Everybody always loved him. He's just a lovable, interesting, intelligent bloke."       -Paul McCartney

"I didn't like the look of Rory's [Rory Storm, the leader of Ringo's band before the Beatles] drummer myself. He looked like the nasty one, with his little grey streak of hair. But the nastiest one turned out to be the nicest of them all. Playing without Ringo is like driving a car on three wheels."     -George Harrison

When the Beatles broke up in 1970 to go their separate ways and develop their individuality, it was still Ringo whom John chose to drum on his first album (Plastic Ono Band) without the Beatles; George also asked Ringo to play on his first post-Beatles release, All Thing Must Pass. We'll give Paul a pass for playing drums himself on his first solo effort, McCartney. After all, Paul had sued John, George, and Ringo in a complicated lawsuit, which, in effect, dissolved the Beatles, and he was pretty much keeping his distance from the other three. (In the years following Paul's suit, John, George, and Ringo each separately admitted Paul had been right in what he did.)

Still, everyone loved Ringo. How could they not? He was the ego-less one in a band of egos. John, Paul, and George were the brothers Ringo never had. On his 1981 album, Stop and Smell the Roses, Ringo thanked "My Three Brothers" in his dedication.

When I first saw the Beatles on TV on February 9, 1964 (along with 72 million other viewers) on the Ed Sullivan Show, I noticed that Ringo was playing Ludwig drums. I didn't even know there was a drum company named Ludwig! But to see Ringo bangin' away on his Ludwig drums made the Beatles even cooler. I still get a kick out of seeing Ringo play his Ludwig drums these days in concert.

Ringo's the most famous drummer in the world, but is he the best? Well, way back when in Liverpool, before Ringo was even in the Beatles, he was the drummer for Rory Storm and the Hurricanes.

Ringo and the Hurricanes

Even though the Beatles were the biggest group in the land (or at least in Liverpool!), they felt a need to replace their drummer, Pete Best. Ringo was considered the best drummer in Liverpool, so John, Paul, and George asked him to leave Rory Storm's group to join theirs. Well, Ringo being Ringo, he first honored the rest of his commitments to the Hurricanes. Before long, Pete was out, Ringo was in.

Here I am some years ago with Pete Best. ["Yes, Pete, I know. You were Best for the Beatles, but you weren't THE best for the Beatles."]

[Notice me touching Pete's back. Well, in my lifetime, I've touched two Beatle backs! Yup, after being touched by Ringo's music for so many years, I thought I'd return the favor and touch Ringo. Read all about it in my March 24, 2012 blog.]

So in their (at the time) small universe in Liverpool, John, Paul, and George, who even then knew a thing or two about what makes good music, chose Ringo to be their drummer.

Ringo may not have agreed, however. In his humble way, early in his career, Ringo said, "Whenever I hear another drummer, I know I'm no good."

I know I can't be objective about Mr. Richard Starkey, professional drummer; to me, the Beatles are at the "toppermost of the poppermost," and the rest have to just take 

a respectful backseat.

I'm far from a musical expert (there's one about five miles away...ah, nevermind...), so I did a bit of research to see what people in the know thought of Ringo's talent:

"Ringo wanted to serve the songs rather than show off. His commitment to the music was bigger than his ego."     -Tim Riley, rock critic

"I consider him one of the greatest innovators of rock drumming. Ringo has influenced drummers more than they will ever realize..."  -Kenny Arnoff, "Modern Drummer"

"More than any other drummer, Ringo Starr changed my life."   -Max Weinberg

"His work was remarkably consistent and excellent, from 1962 right through 1970."

   -Mark Lewisohn, "The Beatles Recording Sessions"

"The drum fills on "A Day in the Life" are very complex things. You could take a great drummer today and say 'I want it like that.' They wouldn't know what to do."  

    -Phil Collins

"He puts fills in unusual places that are directed by the vocals."   -Don Was

"Ringo is the most underrated drummer in the industry. When he drummed on my 'Yoko Ono Plastic Ono Band' album [Yoko's companion piece to John's Ono Band album], I was totally amazed that he had no difficulty in following the very complex, improvisational vocals I did."    -Yoko Ono

"Time and again, the Beatles rode his backbeat to glory...The results were extraordinary."   -Martin Torgoff, "The Compleat Beatles"

"He always hit the right tempo for a song and gave it that support---that rock-solid backbeat---that made the recording of all the Beatles' songs that much easier."  

   -George Martin

It might be a bit frustrating to Ringo when his drumming is, more often than not, mentioned in terms of his Beatles days.

 But since the Fabs called it quits, Ringo has released seventeen solo albums! And that doesn't include the various live albums the Ringed One has released with the various forms of his All-Starr Band. (Beginning in 1989, Ringo has had twelve different All-Starr Band configurations.)

His latest solo album was released just this year. It's called Ringo 2012. One of my favorite tracks on it is "Anthem." In honor of the great Ringo's birthday on July 7, I put together a YouTube photo-collage video (much as I did for Paulie's recent birthday. That YouTube video is called "Macca the Magnificent").I hope you enjoy watching it as much as I enjoyed putting it together. How could I not have liked making it? It's Ringo! It's a Beatle!

If you'd like to see it, here's the link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jyGGj_i_zNA&feature=g-all-lik

[By the way, I'm "beatguy" on YouTube.]

Now I'm sure I'll be Beatle-Blogging many more times in the future. So for this week's episode, let's focus on Ringo the solo artist, because I'm not sure the casual fan may realize just all Ringo's done since the breakup of the Beatles.True, the hits don't come anymore; his hits came in the 70's. But that hasn't stopped Starr the star from recording because, in his words, "It's what I do."

I mentioned he's recorded seventeen solo studio albums. I'm going to choose my favorite song from each of those albums (not including any early hits). I checked, and each of these songs are available on YouTube if you'd like to give a listen (nice to know there are fellow Ringo solo fans out there who post Ringo on YouTube). My list is in chronological order, with the album title followed by my fave, fab song, beginning with Ringaroo's first solo release, from 1970:

SENTIMENTAL JOURNEY - "Dream"

BEAUCOUPS OF BLUES - "Love Don't Last Long"

RINGO - "Devil Woman"

GOODNIGHT VIENNA - "Goodnight Vienna"

RINGO'S ROTOGRAVURE - "Las Brisas"

RINGO THE IV - "Can She Do it Like She Dances?"

BAD BOY - "Heart On My Sleeve"

STOP AND SMELL THE ROSES - "Back Off Boogaloo" (Revised version with Harry Nilsson)

OLD WAVE - "She's About a Mover"

TIME TAKES TIME - "After All These Years"

VERTICAL MAN - "Love Me Do"

I WANT TO BE SANTA CLAUS - "Come On, Christmas, Christmas, Come On"

RINGO RAMA - "I Think, Therefore I Rock and Roll" (I have to declare a tie with "Never Without You," Ringo's tribute song to George.)

CHOOSE LOVE - "Give Me Back the Beat"

LIVERPOOL 8 - "Tuff Love"

Y NOT - "Walk With You" 

RINGO 2012 - "Anthem"

"Heart On My Sleeve" from the BAD BOY album certainly reflects part of Ringo's philosophy of life. Remember when Ringo declared that he would no longer be signing his autograph to things sent to him? In 2008, he posted a video on his website (www.ringostarr.com) telling his fans that as of October 20 of that year, don't bother sending anything for him to sign. He was too busy, so anything sent to him after that date would be sent back.

Well, the backstory to this is that Ringo became tired of signing things for so-called "fans," only to be told by his staff that many of those things appeared for sale shortly afterwards on eBay. Wearing his heart on his sleeve, StarrMann hastily posted the "no more autographs" decree on his site.

I LOVED the crabby Ringo. The lovable Beatle was being cranky, and he spoke his mind. I do think, however, that an explanation at the time might have helped. Ringo did explain his motives a bit later, but by then many people had changed their opinion of him. 

There's a funny YouTube video from 2008 of his son, Zak (himself an accomplished drummer) being asked if he, Zak, would also stop signing autographs like his dad.

"On October 25," Zak joked.

For the record, Ringo does sign nowadays, although it's usually just for fans on the street.

Ringo has also been forthcoming about his alcoholism. On July 4, 1984, Ringo came onstage to play drums during a Beach Boys concert in Washington, DC. He has no recollection of it. He knows he was there only because he's seen video of it.

In 1988, he and his wife, actress Barbara Bach, checked into a rehab clinic in Arizona. They've been clean and sober ever since. Ringo's sobriety is one of the main reasons for his All-Starr Band tours which he's done since 1989. 

He's also taken up painting and art since he's been sober. This year, he created a really super-cool piece of art. 

Since John's murder in 1980, Ringo's been a big advocate of handgun control. Check out his 2012 creation:

The year after John was killed, on the back of his STOP AND SMELL THE ROSES, Ringo posed, head bowed, wearing a holster without a gun. In the gun's place, Ringo held a bouquet of roses. 

All the money from sales of his paintings go to Ringo's charity organization, The Lotus Foundation (www.lotusfoundation.com). This charity focuses primarily on (but isn't limited to) child welfare, battered women, animal protection, and addiction recovery.

In 2011, Ringo presented a signed (SIGNED!!) drum set to a teenager through the Make-a-Wish Foundation.

Finally, no blog celebrating Ringo's solo accomplishments would be complete without mentioning his acting roles. 

Ringo was so critically praised for his performance in A HARD DAY'S NIGHT (by the way, it was Ringo who came up with the title. He also came up with the title of the Beatles song, "Tomorrow Never Knows," as well as contributing this line to the Lennon/McCartney classic, "Eleanor Rigby": "...darning his socks in the night when there's nobody there."), that the Beatles second movie, HELP!, centered around our good ol' Ringo.

Ringo's acting career after the Beatles was inconsistent to say the least. But no matter what movie Ringo was in (and I've seen them all), and no matter how bad the movie was, whenever I saw Ringo on the screen, I thought, "Hey, it's Ringo!" and everything was OK!!

Here are some of Ringo's acting roles:

As Atouk in CAVEMAN, as Peter Sellers's son, and as Mike (a teddy boy)

As the Mock Turtle in ALICE IN WONDERLAND, the Pope in LIZTOMANIA, and as the great Zappa in 200 MOTELS

I remember seeing CAVEMAN at the Mayfair Theater in West New York, NJ when it first came out in 1981. The theater was quite full, and the audience laughed at all the right spots. I felt good for Ringo. After the opening credits of the movie, the year "One Zillion BC" flashed on the screen. Following the year was the day: "October 9th." The audience howled. It was funny enough that the story took place on October 9th, One Zillion BC, but for Beatles fans it was special; October 9th is John's birthday. He had been killed the year before; Ringo wouldn't forget his friend.

In his other roles, he narrated Harry Nilsson's THE POINT, and he was in possibly the weirdest horror film ever made, SON OF DRACULA (once again, with his buddy Nilsson. The best part of the movie was watching Harry Nilsson perform his great song, "Jump Into the Fire.") 

Ringo has played a horny Mexican gardener and a street tough named Mike; many youngsters met Ringo for the first time as Mr. Conductor on Shining Time Station. He even appeared on The Simpsons (as did Paul and George in separate episodes), where, ironically, he was so inundated with autograph requests that he was just getting to, in 1991, Marge Simpson's request from 1964.

"They're gonna put me in the movies...Might win an Oscar, you can never tell," sang Ringo on the Beatles' cover of Buck Owens's "Act Naturally." Well, the Oscar never came, and Ringo never received the same critical acclaim he did when he acted in the Beatles' movies, but with acting, he added yet another facet to his prolific career.

So the next time you hear someone ask, "What has Ringo done besides sing 'Yellow Submarine'?" make sure you set that person straight!

RINGO FOREVER!!!!

PEACE AND LOVE    PEACE AND LOVE

Did you know I have a radio show? It's STEVE LUDWIG'S CLASSIC POP CULTURE at www.PlanetLudwig.com.

I hope you give it a listen!

 IF YOU ENJOYED READING THIS BLOG, WOULD YOU BE SO KIND AS TO CONSIDER BUYING MY BOOK? IT'S CALLED SEE YOU IN CCU: A LIGHTHEARTED TALE OF MY OPEN-HEART SURGERY.

IT'S AVAILABLE AT MY WEBSITE:  www.ccubook.com.

How about checking out my brother Tom's website?
www.secondgrademinds.wordpress.com

AS ALWAYS, THANKS FOR ALL YOUR SUPPORT!  -Steve